Things seem to be on an even keel right now. I’m not consumed by the affair any longer, I am learning to recognize my triggers, I pick my battles carefully, the boundary agreement is safely in place, and we are still talking about things on a daily basis. It’s strange really, to have this be part of our life but not have it be the all-consuming beast that it was for almost three months. When this all started I knew I would have to get over it eventually but I had no idea how that could happen.
Getting over the affair started out as a minute by minute fight and has slowly progressed from there, in increments, to where it is now. It’s not much of a fight for me anymore and when it is winning that fight is fairly easy. I am still battling depression and taking pills to help me sleep but that’s to be expected. I haven’t taken an anxiety pill in over two weeks and I think that’s progress. To be honest I could have used the sleep aid before D-Day so blaming that on W, or letting her take the blame, is really disingenuous.
The most important thing to me, right now, is W. She’s in a dark place, unable to start moving past what she has done. It kills me to see her hate herself like she does right now, to question why I would stay, much less why I would even like her. So that’s my focus for the foreseeable future. I need to be here for her, to help her see herself how I see her and not through the grimy lens of self loathing.
I am quite fine enough to stop worrying about myself all the time. There are still some little things but those can be dealt with as they come up, and they are truly little things. Well there’s one larger thing but I think dealing with that will be as much for her as it is for me. The key here, in my opinion, is that we deal with all of this together, as a single entity and not as adversarial parties.
W’s actions made us adversaries but through a lot of hard work and a lot of communication we aren’t that any more. We are a couple, married, together, striving for the same goals. Whether our enemies are internal, self loathing, unhealthy desires, unclear communication, etc, or external, people who don’t support the marriage, issues with extended family, etc, as long as we get to the root and face them together, hand in hand, there’s nothing we can’t do. Neither of us is in this alone nor will we ever be again and together we’ll make through.
It’s harder to write when things aren’t moving very quickly but aren’t stagnant. Progress towards getting past this and moving in to a new normal is slow, painfully so at times but it’s there. Each day we make progress but it’s hard to find a milestone about which to write. So my entries have been few and far between as of late but I really want to document our progress in case I ever start feeling defeated and need something on which I can reflect or because of the remote possibility that my scattered thoughts might help someone going through the same thing. Not much of a closing paragraph really but that’s all I got at the moment…